toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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