I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Houston, we have a squirter
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
