My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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