xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
