i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
