im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize