just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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