I wanna bring you to show and tell
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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