3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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