last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
