I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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