moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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