Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
