Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
