You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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