she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
