hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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