This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
