I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Randomize
