the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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