How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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