You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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