You're a womanizer and a bitch.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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