this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
