if i can run in heels then i can drive
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
