The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
