glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
