If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
this beer tastes like vomit already
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
