We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
