Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize