hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
