Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I will pee on everything he values.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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