now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
