addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
