My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
