When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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