Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize