dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
