My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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