It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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