If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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