Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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