true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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