you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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