True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
