it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
meet me or not, i'm out of control
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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