it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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