i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize