he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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