I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
