i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
