Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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