He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
