Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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