It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Randomize
